Witch Wizard?: Hogwarts' First Annual Witchless Beauty Pageant
by NeuroNerd11
Summary: Hogwarts has depleted the funds reserved for orphaned/poor students as a result of the Second Wizarding War. Dumbledore and his co-conspirators have devised a plan to raise the necessary funds, a Mr. Witch Beauty Pageant. To give the illusion of unanimous support, Dumbledore has required all of the wizard faculty members to participate in addition to any outside volunteers.


A/N: Those of you who read The NU Files are probably annoyed to see me posting anything but a new chapter in that story. Don't worry, one is in the works!

Now, this is intended to be a fun story about a womanless beauty pageant, some of our participants will be really into it and some will not.

If you have a suggestion you would like to see in this story that is a male character in the Harry Potter universe, please let me know in the reviews! Sneak peak of a few from the list of intended characters: Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy, Albus Dumbledore, and Professor Flitwick.

I am a millennial, meaning I don't own anything which includes anything related to Harry Potter and the characters in the story. I also don't owe any lyrics or songs mentioned in the chapter below and I certainly don't own even half the confidence of Lizzo.

As always, this has been betaed by my lovely sister Jeannie, who may write in some the upcoming chapters. Since this is a little undecided at the moment, I am posting chapter 1 under my name. If she does join in the writing fun, there will be a note at the top of her chapters and the story will be cross posted to our joint page.

I hope you enjoy this, I had a good laugh writing it. Let me know what you think!

* * *

Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan leaned over the turntable setup next to the runway that extended nearly the entire length of the Great Hall. It was a gorgeous runway, all glass with red lights glowing underneath. The end furthest from the main entrance disappeared into a backstage area filled with makeup tables, discarded clothing, and fast moving witches and wizards completing last minute tasks for the show before it began. With a nod from George Weasley, who was standing on a small platform adjacent to the runway, Dean started the music.

The bass began to boom from the speakers charmed to fill the Great Hall with sound. Backstage, Hermione nearly dropped the mascara she was holding as she put the finishing touches on Snape's eyelashes when she recognized the song as "Buttons" by the PussyCat Dolls. She quickly looked at his eyelashes to ensure they hadn't been smudged or clumped up from her surprise. Snape blinked and looked up at her, startled and nervous but trying to appear cool and calm.

"What is it? Have you ruined it? I won't sit through this again if you have, it will just have to be good enough." He said, scowling at her prettily.

"No, it's fine. You better get out there, they've already started the music." She replied, putting the cap back on her mascara. "Good luck, Snape!"

He glanced over at himself in the mirror, _I look passable, I wouldn't say no to me at last call_, he thought.

Standing fully from his chair in his charmed heels, he sneered and spoke in his most quiet, dangerous tone. "I can't wait for this farce to be over, I will get even with everyone for this. Thank you for your assistance, Granger. I have really appreciated it."

With that, he swept off to the blindingly bright gap in the stage curtain that led to the runway surrounded by witches and wizards from all over the UK. He squinted into the light briefly before stepping out into it with confidence. If this foolhardy event had to include him, he would do it properly.

Hermione stood there watching where he had been for a moment, temporarily speechless over the unexpected show of gratitude. Then she rushed over to peer out through a small gap in the curtains to watch the entire ordeal.

"And first up is Professor Severus Snape, looking exceptionally ravishing in his emerald green, form fitting evening gown," announced Fred Weasley over the speakers throughout the entire Great Hall, "Those matching heels are a gamble that I would say paid off because his legs look phenomenal!"

"Indeed, Fred, he looks like the type you could bring home to your mother," replied George. "That shade of green really does contrast nicely with his skin tone."

Severus glared at the two of them through his magically enhanced, silken tresses, styled to fall beautifully over parts of his face. He was going to get his revenge on all of them for this. Albus, Minerva, the Weasley twins, and whoever else had suggested such a dunderheaded idea as a Mr. Witch Pageant.

As he carefully walked up the runway out into the crowd of charitable donors in attendance, a cacophony of wolf whistles and general shouts of "WOOOO!" and "WORK IT!" rose from the crowd. Completely out of his control, he blushed furiously, hoping that the tasteful makeup Professor Granger had assisted him with would hide some of it. He kept his eyes fixed on a point far away and above the heads of the crowd, not wishing to make eye contact with anyone in attendance. _Thank Merlin these heels are charmed to help me walk_, he thought.

Meanwhile, the Weasley twins had kept up a running commentary on his appearance that he was desperately trying to ignore.

'That's a tall drink of water if I ever saw one," Fred said, grinning ear to ear as though Christmas had arrived early. "Although, I think that drink has given me a thirst I will never get to quench."

"Who knew that was what Professor Snape had brewing behind all those buttons and layers?" added George, wearing a grin that matched his twin's.

Severus reached the end of the runway and paused briefly, as he had been instructed to do. He then spun on his heel and began the journey back to the safety of the backstage area.

"Well he has certainly ensnared my senses this evening." said George, "This appearance alone is well worth the galleons we all paid for admission."

"Right you are George, I can honestly say that Professor Snape has truly proven he can bewitch the mind." Fred replied.

The crowd laughed uproariously at the twins' twisting of the potions master's first year speech, many in the audience had sat through it themselves. Severus ground his teeth at having his passionate opening lecture mocked publicly and walked down the runway furiously towards them. However, in those charmed heels, his normal, angry stalk was transformed into a fierce strut that would be the envy of any model.

"Folks, he is giving this his all, I mean no ingredient was been left on the bench in the brewing of this lust-inducing potion." George said, as he watched the potions master walk towards them with barely contained rage.

Severus strutted past them to reach the refuge of the backstage area, glaring daggers at the two of them as he went. They looked at him, completely unfazed by his anger, probably due to the manner in which his heels forced him to walk.

"Alright folks, that is going to be a tough act to follow. Before we bring out our next contestant in the First Annual Mr. Witch Pageant of Hogwarts, let's have the donations from you lovely witches and wizards for our smouldering Professor's performance." Fred announced gleefully.

This was followed by the sound of various coins dropping onto the stage like hail on a tin roof, falling fast and thick. Once it had stopped, George waved his wand and the money vanished to reappear in a cauldron suspended above the audience. Etched into the exterior of the cauldron was the amount of money collected from the runway and the word "Buttons."

The next track began once the audience quieted down a bit. A loud guitar riff sounded through the speakers and the voice of the artist chimed in immediately after.

"I've been waiting for this one, turn it up!"

Music began playing, electronic sounds, bass, and a flute intermittently joined in as the lyrics began.

"Slow songs, they for skinny hoes

Can't move all of this here to one of those

I'm a thick bitch, I need tempo"

On the last line, Hagrid stepped out wearing the biggest dress Madame Maulkin had ever been commissioned to produce.


End file.
